At one point or another, we’ve all heard that saying about what to do when life gives you lemons. You know the one – about making lemonade?

Here’s the reality – life usually doesn’t politely hand you lemons like some kind of cosmic fruit vendor. Sometimes, it shows up at a family dinner, turning celebration into concern. Sometimes, it leaves them piling up at your doorstep one after another. And sometimes, it hurls them at you when you’re already dealing with mental health challenges and your world feels like it’s falling apart.

Maintaining a positive can-do attitude (making lemonade out of those lemons!) might seem like the answer. But when someone close to you receives a breast cancer diagnosis while trying to care for her children, or when adversity strikes in ways you never expected, you learn something profound: Sometimes, the strongest thing we can do is simply acknowledge how hard things are.

single lemon in front of a yellow background

The Problem with Instant Lemonade

Our culture has an obsession with immediate transformation. Write your comeback story. Share your triumph over tragedy. Show everyone how you found beauty in the breakdown. And do it quickly, please – we have a schedule to keep!

When we rush to transform our pain into something positive, we often skip the crucial step of actually processing what happened. It’s like trying to bake a cake while the ingredients are still in the grocery bags – you need to unpack everything first.

The idea that we should immediately bounce back from difficulty actually goes against what scientists have discovered about emotional health. Dr. Susan David’s research on emotional agility shows that people who allow themselves to experience and process difficult emotions – rather than forcing positivity – show greater resilience over time. It’s like having a conversation with your emotions instead of trying to shut them up with a spoonful of sugar.

Think of emotional agility as being able to dance with your feelings rather than fighting them. Sometimes, you need to slow dance with sadness. Other times, you might waltz with worry. The key is staying flexible rather than rigid in your response to difficult experiences.

Permission to Just Be With the Lemons

Here’s what experts actually suggest: Sit with your lemons.

Yes, you heard that right. Just sit with them.

You don’t have to squeeze them. You don’t have to slice them. You don’t have to do anything with them at all.

Maybe your lemons are sitting in a bowl on your kitchen counter, and every time you walk by, they remind you of what you’ve lost. That’s okay.

Maybe you’ve shoved your lemons into the back of the fridge because you can’t deal with them right now. That’s okay, too.

The point is: Your feelings about your lemons are valid, whatever they may be.

What Sitting with Lemons Really Means

When we talk about “sitting with your lemons,” it doesn’t mean wallowing in misery forever. There’s a difference between acknowledging pain and getting stuck in it. This idea is backed by fascinating research in emotional regulation – our brain’s ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences.

When you allow yourself to acknowledge difficult emotions, your brain’s alarm system – the amygdala – actually calms down. This prevents “amygdala hijack,” where emotions flood your system with stress hormones. Think of it like having a calm security guard instead of a panicked one pulling every alarm. By saying, “Yes, I see you’re worried about these lemons,” instead of “Quick! Hide the lemons! Pretend they’re not there!” you keep your thinking brain engaged rather than overwhelmed.

Dr. Kristin Neff’s groundbreaking work on self-compassion adds another layer to this understanding. She found that people who treat themselves with kindness during difficult times – the same way they’d treat a good friend – show better emotional resilience than those who try to “tough it out” or force themselves to “get over it.”

Sitting with your lemons means:

Allowing yourself to feel what you feel without judgment (this activates your brain’s natural soothing system)
Giving yourself permission not to have all the answers right now (which reduces stress hormone production)
Understanding that healing isn’t linear (your brain actually needs time to process experiences)
Recognizing that some experiences can’t be immediately transformed into something positive
Being patient with your own process (which builds stronger neural pathways for resilience)

Sometimes, the most resilient thing you can do is simply acknowledge: “This really sucks, and I’m not okay right now.”

The Middle Ground

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: There’s a vast middle ground between “everything is terrible” and “everything is an opportunity for growth.”

You can acknowledge that something painful happened AND still have moments of joy.

You can be struggling with your lemons AND still find reasons to smile.

You can need time to heal AND still take tiny steps forward.

This isn’t about making lemonade – it’s about living authentically with whatever life has given you.

Even in the midst of difficulty, tiny moments of beauty can still find their way in. They might look like:

Noticing the warmth of sunlight through your window
Finding comfort in a familiar routine
Experiencing a moment of peace while reading a book
Connecting with someone who understands your journey
Enjoying the first sip of morning coffee
Feeling the satisfaction of clean sheets on your bed

These moments aren’t about forcing positivity or pretending everything’s fine. They’re just gentle reminders that even while carrying your lemons, you can still experience small pockets of peace or connection. These moments don’t negate your struggles – they just exist alongside them, like stars that are still visible even on a cloudy night.

This balance of acknowledging both difficulty and possibility opens the door to what comes next.

When You’re Ready (And Only When You’re Ready)

There might come a day when you look at your lemons differently. Not because someone told you to, but because you’re naturally starting to feel curious about what’s next.

Maybe you’ll use one lemon to add flavor to a dish. Maybe you’ll plant a seed from another and see what grows. Maybe you’ll share your lemons with someone going through something similar. Or maybe you will make that lemonade after all.

The key is: This happens on your timeline, not anyone else’s.

Small Steps Forward

When you do feel ready to move forward (even if it’s just a tiny bit), remember that you don’t have to transform everything at once. Stanford researcher BJ Fogg found that starting with tiny changes – ones that feel almost too small – actually leads to more lasting transformation than trying to make big changes all at once. Each small step tends to make the next one a little easier – like creating a gentle path forward, one stepping stone at a time.

Resilience can look like:

Getting out of bed when you really don’t want to
Sending that one important email
Taking a shower after three days
Letting a friend bring you dinner
Going for a five-minute walk around the block

These aren’t grand transformations. They’re not even close to making lemonade. They’re just small ways of saying, “I’m still here, and I’m doing the best I can right now.” And sometimes, these smallest steps create the strongest foundations for healing.

As these small steps become part of your journey, you might notice something else starting to shift…

The Practice of Gentle Gratitude

When you’re carrying heavy lemons, gratitude might seem impossible – and that’s completely understandable. But as you start taking those small steps forward, gratitude can become a quiet companion on your journey, helping you notice what’s still good even while acknowledging what’s difficult.

Think of gratitude as learning to work with your lemons rather than fighting against them. It starts small: maybe noticing the friend who sits with you during the hard days or acknowledging your own strength in getting through another week. It’s not about pretending the lemons aren’t sour – it’s about recognizing that other flavors still exist in your life, too.

What makes gratitude so powerful is how it gradually shifts our attention. When we’re dealing with difficult experiences, our minds naturally zoom in on what’s wrong – it’s like wearing lemon-tinted glasses that make everything look yellow. Gratitude doesn’t ask us to take those glasses off completely. Instead, it gently widens our view, helping us notice the full spectrum of our experience: yes, there are lemons, AND there are also people who care, moments of peace, small wins, and glimpses of beauty.

lemon tree with a bright blue sky behind it

Here are some simple ways to explore gratitude when you’re ready:

Keep a “both/and” journal: “Today is really hard, AND I’m grateful for my comfortable bed.”
Notice what helps: Which people, places, or activities make your lemons feel a bit lighter?
Thank yourself: Acknowledge your own resilience in carrying your lemons
Share with others: Sometimes saying “thank you” helps us notice the good things we’ve been overlooking
Create a “still good” list: Write down things that remain positive even on difficult days
Practice morning moments: Before checking your phone, name one thing that feels okay
Set gratitude boundaries: Permit yourself to skip gratitude on particularly hard days

The amazing thing about gratitude is that it doesn’t require you to change your situation – it just helps you see the whole picture, lemons and all. It’s one of the gentlest ways to begin transforming your relationship with difficult experiences, not by making them disappear but by widening your view to include what’s still working, what’s still beautiful, and what’s still possible.

Resources for Your Journey

If you’re starting to feel ready to explore different perspectives or find more tools for moving forward, here are some articles that might help:

For finding moments of joy:

For practicing gratitude when you’re ready:

A Final Note About Those Lemons

Life will always have lemons. Some will be sweeter than others. Some will be so sour they make your eyes water. Some will show up at the worst possible moments.

You don’t have to immediately transform every difficult experience into something positive. You don’t have to rush your healing process. You don’t have to make lemonade until you’re ready – if you ever want to make it at all.

What you do need to know is this: Whatever you’re feeling about your lemons right now is valid. And whenever you’re ready to take a small step forward – whether that’s tomorrow or next year – there are people, resources, and possibilities waiting to support you.

Until then, it’s okay to just sit with those lemons. Sometimes, that’s exactly where you need to be.